Where is the love?

I used to be the person who was always in love with someone or something at any given time. Love used to make my heart sing and brought a skip to my step. Not any more...sad but true..

I have become a cynical, bitter, vindictive person who has trouble believing everthing people say. I am a big softie at heart and I have been broken so many times that now I wear a protective mask all the time. I dont want to be hurt, I dont want to be loved, I dont want to be touched, I dont want to be with anybody besides my shadow, I dont care a damn. To hell with everybody. Everytime I break, I am shattered into a million pieces and when I put myself back together, I am a different person, I dont recognize myself anymore, I see a stranger in the mirror, she looks like someone I used to know, but she is not that person at all.

I am coated with tefflon, nothing sticks to me, I want to stick to nobody. I dont want to get attached to nobody and I want nobody to get attached to me. I have no strength and energy left for suckers who just latch onto to me for comfort, protection and strength pit-stop and then move on to something less complicated and low-maintainence. I am sick and tired of being a muse for people who think that they should only see and hear pleasant things in the road of self-discovery.

I come with a very bold disclaimer that says "Stay away" because I know I am too intense for the average person. I find it hard being me and I really can understand what the other person goes through trying to get to know me. I am a very difficult person to live with, I have tonnes of baggage, my mood swings are volatile, I am intensely passionate and fiercely possessive of things that I feel belong to me, I want to belong and yet not be possessed, I am a wild spirit who hates being tamed, I dont like rules and regulations, I dont believe in compromise and sacrifice, I dont believe in the institution called marriage, I dont believe in love. Love is a fleeting moment, it comes and goes. The only thing that will remain is whether you love yourself and that I do and I always will. Because no matter what, good times or bad times, I will never abandon myself. I believe in ME. My world revolves around ME. Its all about ME.

I rather be friends with a person who is mean to me as I know for a fact as to where I stand. I dont want to get attached to a seemingly nice person because I would never know what his ugly side will be. I dont want to be caught off-guard. I am on my guard all the time. I have a back-up of a back-up of a back-up. I am not going to invest all my feelings in one person. Its a very scary thought. And I have changed from being a tigeress to a timid chicken. I cannot risk any more heartbreaks.

So at this point I am in love with alot of people at the same time. Yes, I am promiscuous, you can even call me a slut, do I care about what you think of me, Absolutely not....

So stay away from me. Take this as a loud and serious warning. Dont think that your love can change me, It wont, I am broken, I am torn, nothing can make me what I used to be. I cant fall in love anymore, its a fact. I might look vulnerable, I might look lost, my innocence can make you melt, my passion can make you soar but I am as hard as nails, I can erupt anytime or I can be frigid as frigid can be. Dont think you can protect me from this big bad world, who will protect you from me? So stay away, stay away, stay away, dont come in my way. I have an unique destiny, the road I take is hard and steep, its not meant for the meek. Yes I am arrogant as arrogant can be, because I know what I am made up of. Of guts, glory and steel. I dont forgive, I dont forget, I dont believe it when you say you love me because love is a four letter word after all.

Can't fight love

Oh look at us

We are such a mess

Tangled emotions

Feelings stretched

My eyes smolder

With devotion for you

Is this too intense

Too intense for you?

Don't want to deny

The love that I feel

Don't want to bind you

With the cross that it brings

Am trying to hide it

So that you cannot see

For this love is forbidden

Forbidden for me

But love shows in strange ways

Ways it cannot be disguised

This flame burns strong

Inspite of all the storms

I know we are not playing

The games we usually play

I know we are not saying

The things we usually say

I know we are not feeling

The stuff we usually feel

So we try to deny it

By going separate ways

You think you can resist this

You think you can hide from me

But you can't fight Destiny

Why cant you see?

Don't think this is an empty prophecy

Because wherever you go

She will lead you to me...........

What is love?

We are living in a very cynical world. Everybody is hurt, everybody has been used and abused. People have given up on the goodness of other people and love is just an illusion that disappears as soon as you come near it. So essentially we are a society of chasers, we like to chase what seems hard to get and as soon as we get them, we secretly celebrate the conquest, take a pit-stop to refuel and move on to the next one.

This is also a world where we question the very institution called marriage. An institution that everyone in our generation wants to be a part of but as soon as they enroll, they immediately want a refund.

This is the world where we get bored easily because we have so many options, so many temptations, so little regard for morals and ethics, loyalty is a myth, lust is the truth, eternity can be sought in the present.

The idea of marriage is more and more resembling a good business plan with very clear exit strategies. Marriage has just become a business deal and love is not the unit of transaction.

Gone are the days when boy tells girl, "I love you" and the girl would just believe and they would end up getting married and having a family.

This is an age where the girl would ask, "Why do you love me?" ,"What made you fall in love with me?", "Since when have you been experiencing these feelings for me?", "Are you sure you are in love with me or is it just a passing fancy because you have no other options?"or better still "Do you believe in pre-nups?" Its almost as if love was a terrible infectious disease that needed to be kept in check instead of celebrated..

So when I was asked to describe my symptoms of heartache recently I did not know how to answer..because how does one describe a symptom as abstract as love? Love might be overrated but lets face it the whole world is driven by love or the lack of it. Love is the only thing that can make a sane person go insane and an insane person seem charming. Love is like yellow light, makes even drab things look good. Love is the kind of thing that makes a mathematician write poetry and a poet read the Financial Times.

I really do not know how to describe love in todays context because we are living in a different world. Love is very big word but it is also a very short one. Its the way you look at it.

All I can come up with is love is sticky like glue. Love is the kind of thing that makes you wanna stick to someone or something for some vague reason that your usually sharp brain could comprehend even if you are from different worlds, even if you agree to disagree on most things, even if you dont see that person for years, love is the glue that makes you change your form seamlessly for that other person, even as years go by and you are not the hunk you used to be or she is not the gorgeous girl that stopped you in your tracks, you still want to wake with this person, argue about who hogged the sheets, toss a coin to find out who makes breakfast for whom and get through the day thinking "What would I do without you?"

Destiny's Child

I came from nowhere

Today I am somewhere

Tomorrow I will be everywhere...

Last man standing..

Sometimes in life to be the last one standing all you need is a strong mind and very strong legs..And I know I have them both..

I will tell you how this story ends..I hope that you can keep up with me...

Fighter

I am a fighter

I will always fight

I will prove you wrong

And I will prove you right

You thought you could read me

But you were wrong

You thought you could beat me

But I am strong

You think you can replace me

But there is no one like me

The void that I leave

will forever be

You think you moved on

You think you got over me

Then how come you still think

Of how your life could be with me

It wasn't you who picked up my pieces

It wasn't you who wiped away my tears

It wasn't you who dealt with the shadows of your lies

But it was me that you ran to when you had no hope

But it was me that you stuck with when you were broke

It was me that you derived all your inspiration

It was me that protected you from cold criticism

Its all good when its smooth sailing

Its all right because you are not hurting

But you will cry out my name

When your ship is sinking

You will look for this woman who loved you so much

You will crave for this girl who can heal with her touch

You will be unable to move without her vision in sight

You know you are drowning and you know you are right..

Meet me halfway..

There is me and there is you

Totally different but totally true

Nobody is right and nobody is wrong

Lets not clash melodies in this song

I take you for who you are

You are the brightest shining star

I am your softer gentle side

With lots of passion, lots of pride

We have walked along different paths

I know being together seems like a difficult task

There are things that I do not know

There are things that I have not seen

I don't want to be ashamed to ask

Why don't you hold my hand and walk by my side

Together I am sure we will find a path

You can mould me and I will be what you want

But then you can't leave me because then I am yours

I have reached out to you in the purest truest way

So why don't you just meet me halfway?

......

I sit in a corner

hugging myself.

As I look out of the window

and all I see is rubble

I find questioning myself

the very existence of my life

wondering where did I go wrong

and was I ever right?

I think I have grown up

As I can read your mind

I can tell what you are thinking

I can see what you deny

This world lacks kindness

This world lacks soul

Why is everybody so cruel?

Why is everybody so cold?

Is love heartbroken?

Because everyone is lonely

Why is everybody drowning

In the puddle of depth?

Why am I feeling so numb?

Why am I feeling so alone?

I try to console myself,

This winter will soon pass

Spring will be here soon

And this spring will last

You must have hope

You must believe

You must never give up on love

Because love will come again...

My Father's Daughter

You were my biggest re-occurring nightmare. I ran away from you many years ago..You were mean, selfish, violent, arrogant, stubborn, relentless. I was terrified of you. I could never please you. Was trying to blossom but your bitterness stunted me. I could not breathe, your presence was so overpowering..I was trying to find myself, but I lost myself being your audience, tried to find my voice but I found myself screaming inwards, I knew I had a different destiny, I knew I had to find it, but you would not let me..

So I tried to run as fast as I could, as far as I could, locked all those memories away..Wanted to never come back..Tried to burn all bridges..

Thought I could forget, but I could not. Your truth surrounded me.

Thought it was possible to hate you, but I could not. Your love guided me

Thought I could just remember the things you did not do, the words you did not say, but all I could remember were the things you did for me..What you did say to me..

I finally could see the love you have for me..How you took care of me, how you raised me, how you never abandoned me, how you stuck to your values, principles, ideals when the whole world was losing their head and soul, your dedication, your pure and unmatched talent, your vision, how you inspired me, how you guided me even when you were not around, how you pushed me to the edge because you knew that would unlock the real me..How you carried yourself with so much pride and dignity..

It takes extreme guts, courage and sacrifice to live they way you do..I never appreciated that then but I do now and I hope I have the courage to live my life they way you live yours. Even if I could be your shadow, I would be blessed..

I am sorry I judged you the way I did..I was too young and ignorant to understand the message you were trying to give me..

I am sorry I betrayed you..

I am sorry I left you alone when you needed me the most.

I am sorry I made you cry...

I am sorry I called you heartless..

I am sorry things turned out the way they did.

I am sorry I stole your youth..

I am sorry because I don't know what to do..

I am sorry I never appreciated that you did whatever you could for me..

I am sorry I took your hope away..

I am sorry I did not know how to tell you that I love you..

I am sorry I don't know why I started running in the first place..If running was to find my destiny, then I think my destiny was you in the first place...Because I found you again...It is you indeed, although its a different picture...Its a different perspective..But its you....

I am older now, and maybe a little wiser too..I know what it takes to stick around, I know what it takes to make things work..I know what it takes to love and inspire..I know what it takes to be a good wife and mother..

I look at myself in the mirror and I no longer fight what I see...I am my father's daughter and I am so proud to be...

Wishful thinking

Most people see me as a perfect example of a ruthless, career-driven, power-hungry woman.

I see that as my best means of survival.

I rather see myself as a good companion, a wife, a mother, a support-system. I yearn for my own family. I just want to get married to someone who loves me and to someone I love and respect.

Ahh thats simple, you must be thinking....

I just wish you could step into my shoes for a day and see what it feels being me.

Love is a rare bird that is facing extinction..

Remembering Nanu uncle

We had just moved to our new home. After months of living in other people's houses and existing like carefree gypsies in our blue gazelle, we finally had a place to call home. Damn, it felt good. I remember how we huddled together in our only razai/rug and clung on to each other. That was the first time I felt I totally belonged. That was the first time, I felt complete and safe.

We were the first family to move into the colony. Work on the new complex was still ongoing.
I was barely 10 at that point and was totally bored of playing with my dolls so I decided to explore the deserted neighborhood. Made friends with the laborer's kids. I still remember Begum, she was my partner in crime for our various escapades. We discovered a litter of new-born pups. They were sleeping on top of one another, helplessly blind, adorable and cute. Looking after them was our full time job...

In the meanwhile, Dad and Mom were also discovering new things about the neighborhood. Dad bumped into his long lost friend Mr. Nanjappa who apparently were also moving into the same colony as we were and the best part was that he had two kids who were around my age- Almaz and Aparna who later became Chaklu and Poochie for me.

I was overjoyed, I had real friends. Friends I could play with, friends with whom I could escape the drudgery of my day to day existence. Chaklu and Poochie were my best friends. Friends that showed me that joy was possible even if everything around me was grey and dismal.

Nanjappa uncle who I fondly addressed as Nanu uncle was the kindest and the most loving person I had ever met. He treated me as one of his kids and almost always took my side whenever we had a friendly battle. I secretly wished that Nanu uncle could be my daddy instead and I guess my Dad sensed that. Years later, Anu told me she resented that but she understood that why her dad was extra protective of me, I guess it was no secrect, I was having a tough time at home and escaping to be with the Nanjappa household was the only bright spot in my day.

When I was 16, I decided to leave Mumbai and relocate to Singapore because I really wanted to have a fair and honest shot in finding my destiny. My dad was livid and wanted to break all ties with me but I was adamant. I knew what I wanted (although at that point it was a hazy picture) and I was hell-bent. After all, I am my father's daughter, being stubborn runs in our genes! Nanu uncle was not keeping very well at that point but none the less he encouraged me to go to Singapore to find my dreams. He told me that my Dad would come around. Most parents do..His parting gift to me was a key chain. Keys that would open doors of success and happiness for me.

I was shit scared. I was an innocent teenager who did not know how life was in a different suburb in Mumbai and here I was packed to leave the country, with no money in my pockets, no solid plan, no clue and above all with no blessings from the man who created me. All I knew was that I had to make it, I could not screw up, failure was not an option, I had to successful and I had to be someone that my dad would be proud of. I only had my dreams, hope and Nanu uncle's blind faith for company and so I did not feel alone.

And then one horrible day, I got a phone call from my mom. She had bad news. Nanu uncle had succumbed to his illness and he was no more with us. I was stunned. It was as if someone had punched me really hard in my stomach. It could not be true, and my emotions were over-whelming. I mean all I could think in my kiddy brain was that if Nanu uncle had to leave us, he would have definitely come to me in my dreams to say good-bye. He loved me like his own daughter, he could not have left without saying good-bye to me.

This question always lurked in my head for almost a decade now. Everytime, there is good news to share, I always wish that Nanu uncle was around to hear it because he believed that I could do it. Everytime I speak to Chaklu and Poochie, we almost always regress to our kiddy days and fondly remember how he intervened when Chaklu cheated hopelessly in monopoly or when we all sat down and watched movies and when he used to take us out for a treat.

Although things have become considerably better with my Dad, but Nanu uncle will always have a special place in my heart.

And then all of a sudden, it happened last night. I saw him in my dream. He was smiling and joking in his regular fashion to somebody. Chaklu was singing and Poochie was playing the drums ( hey its a dream!) Topsy the dog was barking his heart out as if to contribute to the musical pandemonium. Bubun aunty and deeda (maternal grandmother in Bengali) were in the kitchen taking care of the food department. It seemed to be like a Nanjappa family re-union. My eyes went back to Nanu uncle and to the person he was talking to. I looked at the person closely. She was a young girl. And then it dawned upon me. That little girl was the 10 year old me.....

And then it suddenly came to me, Nanu uncle never considered me as an outsider. To him, I was a part of the family......

I miss you Nanu uncle. We all do....

Job Description

Who am I?

I am your muse

What do I do?

I bring out the best in you

What do I say?

Sometimes a whisper

What do I spin?

A comfort zone

What do I bring?

Peace within

What do I seek?

Your well-being

What would I do without you?

Nothing.........

I want more...

I want more

Because I am worth it

I want more

Because I deserve it

I want more

Because I have earned it

I want more

Because I can handle it

I want more

And you know it..............